I feel like even though people are starting to open up more about all things mental disorder related, there’s still this massive stigmatism around it especially with mood disorders, hence the reason for this post. I don’t really talk about my mental health nearly as much as I should and I just keep seeing some brands use these really inappropriate names and slogans for designs, I mean you may say you’re a phyco – but have you ever had a psychotic episode or anything similar?
Last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar II/Borderline Personality Disorder. There I said it. Just because I have this and it’s something that I’m going to have for the rest of my life doesn’t mean that it defines me in the slightest, I have a mental health issue, it is not me.
I kind of feel like this post is just going to be me rambling about how I feel, what living with my mental health is like for me and some random things thrown in, so sorry if this doesn’t make much sense but this is my blog and my place to open up, be honest and just do/say what I want.
Honestly I think the fact that you can’t see a mental illness is the worst because no matter how you’re feeling on the inside people are always going to judge you with how you look. We just live in such a judgmental society and I hate that.
Sometimes I’ll act different, like completely different to the point where I don’t even seem like me and even the thoughts in my head aren’t my own. Does anyone else’s voice in their head have a perticular voice? Mine does and sometimes that voice changes with my mood, not just in the way it says different things but the tone changes and it sounds completely different – I end up feeling like I can’t even escape in my head because it’s got the other voices. But that’s without any medication, when I’m not controlling it.
There’s my ‘normal’ voice which makes me feel more ‘normal.’ What even is normal? it just kind of makes me feel more like myself and everyone else, keeps me calm but still gives me enough issues to not feel like I’m high as a kite.
Think about people, try not to hurt their feeling.
Do the house chores, I know they suck but you’re an adult everyone has to do them.
Watch a movie.
See you’re friends, because they want to see you.
Then there’s the ‘happy’ voice. This one to me in my head is this little pink blob which is really high pitched and manic, telling me that I need to keep doing things, that I can do anything I want – the skies the limit really. Whatever I want to do, I should. What all that makeup? Buy it, don’t think about the fact you’re already in debt, you don’t need it. Just buy it. Want to travel? Just book a ticket, just do whatever you want and keep busy.
Write a book, tidy the house, paint the walls, clean the fridge, run.
Write a blog post or twelve.
Film a few videos, be excited at work to the point where people think you’re really weird and that person that’s always hyper.
The best person that ever was.
Heck, you can run the world if you wanted to.
Get away with anything.
Murder? Probably, but don’t do it just in case.
Basically just do whatever the hell you want and ignore the consiquences, it doesn’t matter if you hurt anyone just do it.
The ‘depression’ voice. He’s blue obviously, no idea why he’s a he though. He’s sad all the time, don’t wash, don’t move, stay in bed and do nothing. Leave the dishes until they pile up and you start to get flies and mould, leave you’re hair dirty until you can fry an eye in it. Stay away from people or if you have to be around them, don’t talk. Keep to yourself. You’re a failure anyway so don’t bother doing anything, remember that book you wrote? Delete it, it’s shit anyway,
You look shit, why is your hair that colour? You’ve gained a lot of weight but you’ll always be fat so don’t bother even changing. You’re personality is horrendous no matter how nice you try to be, you’ll always be a bitch,
No one likes you, you have no friends.
You was better when you was thinner, skinnier, blond, brunette, anything.
Everyone is better than you.
You’re friends bitch about you.
You have no talents.
Then finally there’s the little ‘angry’ voice, no idea why I said little though. I have no idea if this voice is male or female to me, all I know is that it’s an absolute bitch. I have to be angry no matter what, doesn’t matter what I’m doing i’ve got this little bit of fire in my stomach burning, raging away ready to blow at any second.
Someone talking to loud.
They touched you.
You can hear them breathing.
They told you what to do.
They’re trying to cause a fight.
You’re out of tea bags.
A box fell.
Hurt them, anyway possible.
Honestly, living with all of these voices is so exhausting. Usually there’s only one voice and it can last anywhere from a day, weeks, months. Then change to a different one. But sometimes they want to give you a kick up the ass and all come at once so you have all these different voices in your head, just screaming trying to tell you things. It get’s too much and you can’t focus, listen. One always wins then another will race past and get in the lead for a while, so in one day you can experience all of them.
There’s no triggers that I’m aware of, they just happen. Yes, some things can kick me off a little bit but nothing is ever the prime suspect.
I have no reason what the reason for this post was, but I enjoyed writing it and I’m glad I’m finally getting the help I need. If you made it this far – I love you.